LONLINESS

Loneliness is death. I never thought I would end up alone. I believed that what family I did have, would help me when I was in need.
I not only lost my husband, I lost my entire life. my way of living, my house, My being, my self, that one who I used to be. I have to sell what I can. donate the rest. I have completely stripped myself of all that had meaning. I feel I I am stranded naked in a universe somewhere. I don't know where I will end up. lost in a whirlwind, trying to get out. thousands of decisions to make, everyday.
I break down in fear, that it will never end. no matter what the outcome life is nonexistent. and will never return. happiness, contentment are words that were never in my vocabulary or universe.
I read somewhere, you have to give yourself permission to be happy. Hah!! there is always something out there that says; No.
The small gods laugh.
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INFINITY

you know what's worse than losing someone you love? It's to know when you go to sleep, there is nothing to wake up for. nothing to look forward to. time is just periods of light and periods of dark. all past, no future. blankness, emptiness. a void.
I used to be very creative. now, why bother.
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TERRIFIED

Lonely, lost, empty days. too devastated to take myself away. Like my brother, I never expected to end up alone. and I do mean alone. no one for backup.
there are some nice people showing up. offering help or aid. very unexpected.
I'm too old to get a dog, even a used doggy who needs a new owner. I couldn't care for it. and then tey sicken and die, no, never again. I've had enough death.
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EMPTYNESS AND FOREVER NOTHING

My husband died Tuesday afternoon. After a two year illness. He had ALS. Worse than cancer. with cancer, there is a chance. ALS----nothing. You watch them diminish. Fade away, losing everything there were. Ending up in a bed, incapacitated in every way. I sat by him, seeing his breath become slower and slower, becoming more pale and cold. as the blood drained into his body. Lying there, gone from me forever.
It was bad, when I first lost my Mother. Then my Dad. Really I cried for ten years. I couldn't get past my grief. After ten years, I managed it. Now, this grief, I will have until I die. No matter how long I live. I probably only have 5-7 years at best anyway. And I have no idea how I will manage to survive them. I not only lost Dale, I literally lost everything.
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UNEXPECTED

this a page from a 2007 journal. I still had positive thoughts, hopes and small dreams.
those are all gone now. no hopes,. no dreams, no wishes, fantasy is only a child's game. I developed it late, and had it destroyed early.
life is like that
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IMMATURE---

Men, never grow up. they stop at whatever age they have their first sex experience. then spend the rest of their lives trying to recreate it. sorry guys. there is only one first kiss. a single tingle. the rest are only shadows, pale memories.
you are only chasing yesterday. but, it is dead and gone. the memories are ashes. you only get that sweetness once.
same for women. there is no prince charming. only a lot of silly boys.
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GOOD GRIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do they think more intricate the better? stumps me. simplicity is a lost situation. tech, tech tech. sounds like some kind of clock, marking time.
r u 2 tec? yes, u r 2 tec. makes you stupid and illiterate. you will never be able to read any of the deep and beautiful classics.
My brother has a grand daughter who writes to me in 'text'. I reply in educated literate English.
maybe we will both learn something.
What is more hilarious, the young people have discovered the convenience of an old typewriter. HAH!
And, film cameras!!! a positive hoot. hoo hah. maybe the original model T" or A Ford will make a come back. well, it did get good gas mileage.
TOOT-TOOT.
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