EMPTYNESS AND FOREVER NOTHING

My husband died Tuesday afternoon. After a two year illness. He had ALS. Worse than cancer. with cancer, there is a chance. ALS----nothing. You watch them diminish. Fade away, losing everything there were. Ending up in a bed, incapacitated in every way. I sat by him, seeing his breath become slower and slower, becoming more pale and cold. as the blood drained into his body. Lying there, gone from me forever.
It was bad, when I first lost my Mother. Then my Dad. Really I cried for ten years. I couldn't get past my grief. After ten years, I managed it. Now, this grief, I will have until I die. No matter how long I live. I probably only have 5-7 years at best anyway. And I have no idea how I will manage to survive them. I not only lost Dale, I literally lost everything.
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UNEXPECTED

this a page from a 2007 journal. I still had positive thoughts, hopes and small dreams.
those are all gone now. no hopes,. no dreams, no wishes, fantasy is only a child's game. I developed it late, and had it destroyed early.
life is like that
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IMMATURE---

Men, never grow up. they stop at whatever age they have their first sex experience. then spend the rest of their lives trying to recreate it. sorry guys. there is only one first kiss. a single tingle. the rest are only shadows, pale memories.
you are only chasing yesterday. but, it is dead and gone. the memories are ashes. you only get that sweetness once.
same for women. there is no prince charming. only a lot of silly boys.
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GOOD GRIEF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do they think more intricate the better? stumps me. simplicity is a lost situation. tech, tech tech. sounds like some kind of clock, marking time.
r u 2 tec? yes, u r 2 tec. makes you stupid and illiterate. you will never be able to read any of the deep and beautiful classics.
My brother has a grand daughter who writes to me in 'text'. I reply in educated literate English.
maybe we will both learn something.
What is more hilarious, the young people have discovered the convenience of an old typewriter. HAH!
And, film cameras!!! a positive hoot. hoo hah. maybe the original model T" or A Ford will make a come back. well, it did get good gas mileage.
TOOT-TOOT.
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NAME TRICK

i KNOW, i WAS THROUGH WITH BLOGGING. EVERYBODY THINKS facebook IS THE BIG DEAL NOW.
well, sink that ship. it's all bogus anyway. it's an ocean rich for I.D. theft phishers. people are dumb enough to fall for it. in fact the entire 'net, is an open season on all of us.
actually, that's not the subject I wanted to mention.
I've been intriged by the name of an actress(ok;female-actor) on NCIS, Cote d Pablo.
I know some Spanish, a bit of French, and a touch of Latin. Probaly a lot of you, already have worked out the translation. Her name is such a clever play on words. I quite appreciated her humour. As you can see, I waited a while to track it down, because the joke, was neat.
here's what I came up with, if someone else has a different idea, maybe I'll find out.
Cote d Pablo='rib' of Pablo, i.e.-child of Family Pablo. really subtle. makes me laugh.
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THE MILL IS ON FIRE

And that is as bad as it gets. But, this time there is no rebuilding. No more time for insurance. No way or anymore left. It's all spent. It's all gone. the people have gone other ways, down other paths. Even the house is empty, no dog either. only rooms full of bleak emptiness. photos are only shadows of memories.
the only companions are tears and sorrows and loneliness.
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LETTER TO A FRIEND

Thank you for the letter. Life is just no fun anymore is it. I had that ghastly flu/bronchitis thing in December. Know where I caught it. At the hospital. I had gone to the clinic. for a thing. Lasted three months. AND, I have my pneumonia shot.
So I know what you are going through. My Brother had it twice during the bad weather. Now he has it again. caught it from his granddaughter who occasionally stays with him. I keep begging him to get his Pneumonia shot.
He was able to get some antibiotics this time, because his girlfriend got him signed up for SSI. thank goodness, because he not only really needed medical aid. But, he now has a small income. My Hb. is failing daily. he has almost completely lost use of his hands. and can't move his arms. I do a lot more for him.
He has fallen down twice this month. Gwen next door helped me get him up. The next time, I tried to do it myself. We both went down and I hurt my back and hip again. So, I had to call his Home Care-provider. We had to wait half and hour because he lives in that far away. I sat with Hb. and talked to him and put a pillow under head. Which was OK.
The helper came right in and with a towel under Hb.'s arms just lifted him right up.
It's getting scary. I am trying to prepare myself. but I'm not doing a very good job of it.
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